14 October, 2012

To be or not to be - there isn't a question

This post is just for me so I don't expect anyone else to understand it.

Should I be angry? Of course, why the hell not.

On who? This might be a problem. It's not her fault, at least in my mind, so that only leaves me. And I cannot be angry ar myself. At most, I can be dissapointed.

Am I angry? Yes, I am freaking angry.
I'm angry that my life was disrupted, I'm angry because the situation could've been better, I'm angry because I think everything is avoidable ( usually in hindsight ) but now I have no clue about what I should've done differently.

On a different note, I should be thankfull, because this anger gives me more willpower and more courage to do what I want. It's not the best case scenario, because who would want a life and a career built on tears?

Do Iook angry and act angry in any way? No, what freaking good would this do? It would make my life harder, having to explain all this shit and it would probably hurt her ( i still care about her happiness even if at times I want her to disappear from this world and from my life ).

I still hate the fact that the best memories from the past months are with her, because it makes me sad whenever I recall them.

I would've loved to go awol for a few months on a deserted island and sit there until I forget everything, but that's not at all productive. Or even possible.

Does life end without her as I thought before? Yes and no. That life, that I imagined, that I wanted, is over. Nothing will bring it back. But there is another life, one that you couldn't have planned before, one where a lot of things are possible.

Another thing: why didn't I fight harder, or fight at all? Because I can't. My power is in a routine I've laid out for me, which should cover most possibilities. Once that is broken, I'm incapable to adapt for while, until I fix that. So, I wanted to fight, but I don't know how and I cannot, mentally.

I hope she understands this and she won't accuse me of not caring enough to fight for her. I won't blame her if she does, but I will lose most of my respect for her because of this.

I will get through this, without any help. I have to.

PS: but, if any of you have a time machine, i would love to live the past 5-6 months again.

No comments:

Post a Comment